Ebbing and Flowing

My head is killing me from the emotions. It's angry one minute, sad the next. I try to turn the anger to sadness as much as humanly possible, because I hit, and i act out when i'm angry. At least when i'm sad i'm only hysterical. Anger brings this overpowered hulk out of me, the one that feels like they can do anything, and then gets frustrated when people hold me down because i'm 130 pounds of flailing non-sequential force.

You're frustrated with the sadness. You think that the anger will somehow make more sense to you. You're frustrated with the crying. Hitting and acting out is easier to understand, but you have to be aware that while our relationship is failing, hitting and acting out and that anger that aggression is the shit that scares me the most. I'd be lying if i'd never acted out to an animal or someone that i truly cared about. What happens when I have kids? What happens when my husband is close to 100 pounds too, and he can't hold me down anymore. What happens when i get strong?

I'd rather cry. I don't think crying has as much of a hangover that's associated with it. Crying just kind of leads me to a path of limbo where I am attempting to digest all of the information but really, that dot on the ceiling looks so much more audible.

I want to die. There are so many people holding me here, holding with one hand, the other looking at their cell phone, or tv, or job. I don't blame them, there are so many better things to watch then a female slowly tearing her body apart to try to feel normal, to try to have some sense of control. It's like everyone wants inside, they want to know what it is that I'm feeling, but if I told them, they would be scared.

I guess let's dive right into it, explaining my disorder isn't going to make this any easier.

I'm scared that Teddy's going to show up on his golden horse and expect something out of me. It wouldn't be uncharacteristic of his behavior, and I think I would get just as aggressive as he was to me. I don't want that. I want to remain nowhere near him, I want him to stop waving to me when he passes me in the car, and I want him to act like when he has a girlfriend and I don't exist so that I can drink and hurt myself without feeling like he's the cause at all.

I'm scared to be alone. Point blank. Mr. Yuri if we were to break up, nobody else at this point knows my crazy. Nobody knows how to deal with it better than you, nobody can wrap their arms around me without frustrating me while i'm flailing and melt anger into sadness. I've always wanted you to be there. And truth be told there were times that you knew i was upset and you ignored them, and that's what bothers me. If you can't think about my sadness and something that is so raw a part of me, how am i supposed to think about your cheating in any way that it isn't?

Sometimes emotional cheating feels the worst of all. I went through this with other boyfriends and it usually happens right before they do start cheating. They go to another girl to vent off their frustrations, and in this case the girl is my best friend, and they begin venting and the girl gains feelings for the boy, and then the girl begins to change her attitude, instead of it being, you two need to stay together because love conquers all, it turns into maybe you guys love isn't right. She sees that raw part of you, and she sees you torn down and broken and you know, she kind of likes it, and she wants to build that back up again so that maybe one day you'll care about her the same way that you cared about that other person.

And then sex get's introduced into it. It's led to with careless flirting, someone touching the other's arm-- electrifying - someone texting the other saying that they looked good in whatever thing that they were wearing-- hug worthy-- I don't know-- and then all this snowball effect keeps falling down stairs until boom, you're in my bed, ass naked, doing another girl.

i don't want it to get to that point. And I think that I'm not the only one that sees this digressing, people all the time have been telling me little signs, and they've allowed me to see the bigger signs. The times that you felt her up when you were next to her, thinking "Cool, i can rub two pussies at the same time," or the time you dissapeared for four hours with her. Or the time that you kissed her... or the time that i watched you guys giggle over the same things for two hours.

I feel like i've never been good enough for you. It's -- let's flake off this piece of dead skin-- and you need to take a shower today-- and why can't you keep your shit clean (Shit being-- room, car.)-- It's you're lazy-- it's you don't love me enough-- and it's-- you love someone else (be that may as a friend). I can't take all these requests and that's the nice thing to do in the situation.

Remember when you fall in love and you see that first flaw and you go-- well-- I'm in love so i can overlook it. Where the fuck is that now? Where the fuck is that saving my relationship. Instead you embarres me telling every tom dick and hairy what it is that's wrong with our relationship without filling in the details of your aggression and your sex drive that led me to apparently not caring about you-- that led you to look elsewhere for someone of whom cares-- that led you to continually talk to the cute girl at work-- yeah i notice.

I think that me staying with you-- is the point where i care about you-- and I wish instead of sweeping things under the rug that you confronted them when they happened. It wasn't a big deal when i was crying, because you got me to stop crying and that should be the end of the feelings right? I'm not going to be the one sitting in the bath tub the next day crying by myself without you even noticing it-- right?

I feel so horrible about myself, and I think you're the first thing that's been able to make me do that in a long time, and it's horrible that you're manipulating me to think this. It's always-- well i know i flirt with your best friend but you never loved me enough-- cheap shot. Deal with the flirting thing. Don't bring up another thing that is going to make me feel awful while i'm already sad.

I don't know what to say anymore, but i'll probably have a bunch more journal entries to come because I kind of want to kill myself right now. I want to be destructive. I want to drink alochol until i can't feel anything anymore and i expect you to support me in that. Because right now, not feeling is the only thing that's going to keep me a living person.