i dunno

Must take carpel tunnel brace to write-- writing-- ugh-- hurts. Like for some reason it's totally deeply hurting my soul right now-- like it's going all the way through my wrist and into the rest of my body. I don't think that's a good thing. I really want to throw up, but throwing up is nearly impossible purely from being upset. I wish that it was easier, because sometimes the worst thing is actually wanting to throw up and not having the ability to-- like I'd like to shove my finger down my throat right about now, and just feel the pain of it burning up my esophagus.

So pretty much-- my worst fears came true-- i'm really upset-- I really much don't know what to do, nor do i just want to sit here and bash on the parties involved-- believe me-- i've done that enough-- physically. I think boyfriend currently can't hear out of one of his ears <<; that's probably an overstatement but i hit him pretty hard so I think that the least i can do is just talk about my feelings because they're the hardest part to swallow right now.

I feel like... everything i've ever done-- and everything i'll ever do-- is never going to be enough. I feel like nobody is ever going to love me the way that i want to be loved, and commit to me the way that i want to be committed to. So what is the point in being in this world, just to be unhappy? Just to make greedy people feel better about themselves from hurting me?

I don't know, i'm not going to kill myself right now, I'd have to give things more thoughts than just impulse. That may not make sense to anyone that isn't me, but i'm just kind of typing out of my ass about everything I feel.

Anger is scary to me about how much I truly hurt the things I love, physically. It's becoming one of those things that I regret. What happens when I have kids, or when my pets shit on the floor, like what happens then? I'm afraid  Plus the boyfriend I have has to be able to take a hit and that's just the reality apparently. I can't really quite describe things.

He's reading over my shoulder. And i think the only reason i'm not fighting him is the exhaustion that I have within myself right now. Even the text is not moving into my fingers as fast as it normally does-- though part of that's due to my mad left hand. I dunno though. Not all of it is-- the right hand's being a little sluggish too on it's part.

Who should I let remain in my life? That's i guess the question of the hour-- I want him here for more reasons then i can explain, though all of my friends are telling me how incredibly retarded i am.

As a side note-- note to ginger-- even though it makes me tear up to say that name right now-- the time at the beach, nearly every few hours we'd separate from the group because I was crying and he had to calm me down. I want more than anything to just appear to be normal, and i know that comes as a surprise to anyone who's ever seen me snap. When you saw me earlier-- sitting in his lap-- i had just had a mini anxiety attack-- i think i had a million tonight-- and my knees buckled and he caught me-- he always catches me.

I'm scared of manipulation. I'm scared of dumb decisions and I don't know how to exist with them. But in a way I don't know how to exist without them. What's going to happen to me?

Why am I so sad? But why have I been so sad should be way more of the problem here. Is this all my fault? Did i distance myself because of my depression and bring everything on myself? Or did just my jealousy butt it's ugly face in places that it never belonged. I dunno. Apparently my jealousy was right though-- so i guess it can't be the latter.

I feel so-- angry at myself-- thinking-- what could i have done differently-- what more could I have been-- why is this my fault? Why does this always happen in all of my serious relationships  is it something that I do as a person that effects the way that they see me to the point that they don't see me as a person anymore, just an object-- that's nice to have around?

And if I am viewed as an object then what prevents me from being treated like one again?

I feel so sick. Sick of my mind, my emotions, and my life. Sick of everything that reminds me of something bad and all I seem to want to do is strike out and hit something or someone. It's not even a good plane to fly on, because after all my anger scares me, so striking and flailing makes me feel like even worse of a person than I was at the start.

I just want something or someone that would love me unconditionally  without all the bi-laws or outrageous feelings getting in the way of things. Someone who would always be by my side and never make me feel negative about myself. But i make myself feel negative about myself...

I dunno what more to say. I'll probably type a lot more in the next like-- forever-- because i'm sad or maybe i'll surround myself in cosplay and enlist the people who care about me to use the razor blade to cut out leaves when I don't trust myself enough to hold onto it.