You embarrassed me by telling everyone except me your feelings. Here comes the anger I guess. Why can't you just fucking love me? Like over and over again people tell me obnoxiously that they're going to love me forever, and when they have the money they're going to buy me that ring that symbol of their commitment forever. and You told me the same thing.
I just want that. I just want someone that's going to love me unconditionally when i'm sad and when i'm happy, and to me that's what love is. Love means the unconditional, but no one else in this world believes that. I thought i finally found someone that understood, that wanted a family as much as I do, and wanted marriage and commitment.
You screwed that all up. You tell me you're sorry for breaking promises when in the beginning of this relationship I would not let you in and you knew it. And now that you're in, you don't love that person? Now that i've torn down every barrier that i have from the outside world and let you see all the tears, and the cuts and the grief, you can't love me?
How is that supposed to make me want to stay here? When the only person who sees me completely raw, with my past splayed out the table and every time i did something stupid to feel loved, and he pretended to be fine with it all, until one girl comes up and screws everything up, and screws up my trust of you. What if another girl comes along?
Do you realize how many stupid girls have torn me to pieces? And then you get mad at me for my friendships with guys?
If the person who sees me the rawest doesn't even love me, how am i supposed to find someone that does? Every person gets so in depth and then they leave me, and when they come back i'm not the same person and i never ever will be. Healing fucks my mind up more than anyone could ever imagine because i sit there and go through every possibility and every negative thought about myself and I just don't want to do it again.
It all doesn't seam to matter to you, my tears don't even effect you anymore. Is that what love is? Why do you keep telling me you love me and you want to leave me at the same time? Why am i such a screwed up person that nobody can love?
I just want forever, and i keep getting pretend.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Ebbing and Flowing
My head is killing me from the emotions. It's angry one minute, sad the next. I try to turn the anger to sadness as much as humanly possible, because I hit, and i act out when i'm angry. At least when i'm sad i'm only hysterical. Anger brings this overpowered hulk out of me, the one that feels like they can do anything, and then gets frustrated when people hold me down because i'm 130 pounds of flailing non-sequential force.
You're frustrated with the sadness. You think that the anger will somehow make more sense to you. You're frustrated with the crying. Hitting and acting out is easier to understand, but you have to be aware that while our relationship is failing, hitting and acting out and that anger that aggression is the shit that scares me the most. I'd be lying if i'd never acted out to an animal or someone that i truly cared about. What happens when I have kids? What happens when my husband is close to 100 pounds too, and he can't hold me down anymore. What happens when i get strong?
I'd rather cry. I don't think crying has as much of a hangover that's associated with it. Crying just kind of leads me to a path of limbo where I am attempting to digest all of the information but really, that dot on the ceiling looks so much more audible.
I want to die. There are so many people holding me here, holding with one hand, the other looking at their cell phone, or tv, or job. I don't blame them, there are so many better things to watch then a female slowly tearing her body apart to try to feel normal, to try to have some sense of control. It's like everyone wants inside, they want to know what it is that I'm feeling, but if I told them, they would be scared.
I guess let's dive right into it, explaining my disorder isn't going to make this any easier.
I'm scared that Teddy's going to show up on his golden horse and expect something out of me. It wouldn't be uncharacteristic of his behavior, and I think I would get just as aggressive as he was to me. I don't want that. I want to remain nowhere near him, I want him to stop waving to me when he passes me in the car, and I want him to act like when he has a girlfriend and I don't exist so that I can drink and hurt myself without feeling like he's the cause at all.
I'm scared to be alone. Point blank. Mr. Yuri if we were to break up, nobody else at this point knows my crazy. Nobody knows how to deal with it better than you, nobody can wrap their arms around me without frustrating me while i'm flailing and melt anger into sadness. I've always wanted you to be there. And truth be told there were times that you knew i was upset and you ignored them, and that's what bothers me. If you can't think about my sadness and something that is so raw a part of me, how am i supposed to think about your cheating in any way that it isn't?
Sometimes emotional cheating feels the worst of all. I went through this with other boyfriends and it usually happens right before they do start cheating. They go to another girl to vent off their frustrations, and in this case the girl is my best friend, and they begin venting and the girl gains feelings for the boy, and then the girl begins to change her attitude, instead of it being, you two need to stay together because love conquers all, it turns into maybe you guys love isn't right. She sees that raw part of you, and she sees you torn down and broken and you know, she kind of likes it, and she wants to build that back up again so that maybe one day you'll care about her the same way that you cared about that other person.
And then sex get's introduced into it. It's led to with careless flirting, someone touching the other's arm-- electrifying - someone texting the other saying that they looked good in whatever thing that they were wearing-- hug worthy-- I don't know-- and then all this snowball effect keeps falling down stairs until boom, you're in my bed, ass naked, doing another girl.
i don't want it to get to that point. And I think that I'm not the only one that sees this digressing, people all the time have been telling me little signs, and they've allowed me to see the bigger signs. The times that you felt her up when you were next to her, thinking "Cool, i can rub two pussies at the same time," or the time you dissapeared for four hours with her. Or the time that you kissed her... or the time that i watched you guys giggle over the same things for two hours.
I feel like i've never been good enough for you. It's -- let's flake off this piece of dead skin-- and you need to take a shower today-- and why can't you keep your shit clean (Shit being-- room, car.)-- It's you're lazy-- it's you don't love me enough-- and it's-- you love someone else (be that may as a friend). I can't take all these requests and that's the nice thing to do in the situation.
Remember when you fall in love and you see that first flaw and you go-- well-- I'm in love so i can overlook it. Where the fuck is that now? Where the fuck is that saving my relationship. Instead you embarres me telling every tom dick and hairy what it is that's wrong with our relationship without filling in the details of your aggression and your sex drive that led me to apparently not caring about you-- that led you to look elsewhere for someone of whom cares-- that led you to continually talk to the cute girl at work-- yeah i notice.
I think that me staying with you-- is the point where i care about you-- and I wish instead of sweeping things under the rug that you confronted them when they happened. It wasn't a big deal when i was crying, because you got me to stop crying and that should be the end of the feelings right? I'm not going to be the one sitting in the bath tub the next day crying by myself without you even noticing it-- right?
I feel so horrible about myself, and I think you're the first thing that's been able to make me do that in a long time, and it's horrible that you're manipulating me to think this. It's always-- well i know i flirt with your best friend but you never loved me enough-- cheap shot. Deal with the flirting thing. Don't bring up another thing that is going to make me feel awful while i'm already sad.
I don't know what to say anymore, but i'll probably have a bunch more journal entries to come because I kind of want to kill myself right now. I want to be destructive. I want to drink alochol until i can't feel anything anymore and i expect you to support me in that. Because right now, not feeling is the only thing that's going to keep me a living person.
You're frustrated with the sadness. You think that the anger will somehow make more sense to you. You're frustrated with the crying. Hitting and acting out is easier to understand, but you have to be aware that while our relationship is failing, hitting and acting out and that anger that aggression is the shit that scares me the most. I'd be lying if i'd never acted out to an animal or someone that i truly cared about. What happens when I have kids? What happens when my husband is close to 100 pounds too, and he can't hold me down anymore. What happens when i get strong?
I'd rather cry. I don't think crying has as much of a hangover that's associated with it. Crying just kind of leads me to a path of limbo where I am attempting to digest all of the information but really, that dot on the ceiling looks so much more audible.
I want to die. There are so many people holding me here, holding with one hand, the other looking at their cell phone, or tv, or job. I don't blame them, there are so many better things to watch then a female slowly tearing her body apart to try to feel normal, to try to have some sense of control. It's like everyone wants inside, they want to know what it is that I'm feeling, but if I told them, they would be scared.
I guess let's dive right into it, explaining my disorder isn't going to make this any easier.
I'm scared that Teddy's going to show up on his golden horse and expect something out of me. It wouldn't be uncharacteristic of his behavior, and I think I would get just as aggressive as he was to me. I don't want that. I want to remain nowhere near him, I want him to stop waving to me when he passes me in the car, and I want him to act like when he has a girlfriend and I don't exist so that I can drink and hurt myself without feeling like he's the cause at all.
I'm scared to be alone. Point blank. Mr. Yuri if we were to break up, nobody else at this point knows my crazy. Nobody knows how to deal with it better than you, nobody can wrap their arms around me without frustrating me while i'm flailing and melt anger into sadness. I've always wanted you to be there. And truth be told there were times that you knew i was upset and you ignored them, and that's what bothers me. If you can't think about my sadness and something that is so raw a part of me, how am i supposed to think about your cheating in any way that it isn't?
Sometimes emotional cheating feels the worst of all. I went through this with other boyfriends and it usually happens right before they do start cheating. They go to another girl to vent off their frustrations, and in this case the girl is my best friend, and they begin venting and the girl gains feelings for the boy, and then the girl begins to change her attitude, instead of it being, you two need to stay together because love conquers all, it turns into maybe you guys love isn't right. She sees that raw part of you, and she sees you torn down and broken and you know, she kind of likes it, and she wants to build that back up again so that maybe one day you'll care about her the same way that you cared about that other person.
And then sex get's introduced into it. It's led to with careless flirting, someone touching the other's arm-- electrifying - someone texting the other saying that they looked good in whatever thing that they were wearing-- hug worthy-- I don't know-- and then all this snowball effect keeps falling down stairs until boom, you're in my bed, ass naked, doing another girl.
i don't want it to get to that point. And I think that I'm not the only one that sees this digressing, people all the time have been telling me little signs, and they've allowed me to see the bigger signs. The times that you felt her up when you were next to her, thinking "Cool, i can rub two pussies at the same time," or the time you dissapeared for four hours with her. Or the time that you kissed her... or the time that i watched you guys giggle over the same things for two hours.
I feel like i've never been good enough for you. It's -- let's flake off this piece of dead skin-- and you need to take a shower today-- and why can't you keep your shit clean (Shit being-- room, car.)-- It's you're lazy-- it's you don't love me enough-- and it's-- you love someone else (be that may as a friend). I can't take all these requests and that's the nice thing to do in the situation.
Remember when you fall in love and you see that first flaw and you go-- well-- I'm in love so i can overlook it. Where the fuck is that now? Where the fuck is that saving my relationship. Instead you embarres me telling every tom dick and hairy what it is that's wrong with our relationship without filling in the details of your aggression and your sex drive that led me to apparently not caring about you-- that led you to look elsewhere for someone of whom cares-- that led you to continually talk to the cute girl at work-- yeah i notice.
I think that me staying with you-- is the point where i care about you-- and I wish instead of sweeping things under the rug that you confronted them when they happened. It wasn't a big deal when i was crying, because you got me to stop crying and that should be the end of the feelings right? I'm not going to be the one sitting in the bath tub the next day crying by myself without you even noticing it-- right?
I feel so horrible about myself, and I think you're the first thing that's been able to make me do that in a long time, and it's horrible that you're manipulating me to think this. It's always-- well i know i flirt with your best friend but you never loved me enough-- cheap shot. Deal with the flirting thing. Don't bring up another thing that is going to make me feel awful while i'm already sad.
I don't know what to say anymore, but i'll probably have a bunch more journal entries to come because I kind of want to kill myself right now. I want to be destructive. I want to drink alochol until i can't feel anything anymore and i expect you to support me in that. Because right now, not feeling is the only thing that's going to keep me a living person.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
You.
I wish I could tell you every word that goes through my head, but the truth is you don't want to listen. Even when you hear them you don't listen to them. I am a loud and proud young women and despite popular belief, I do mean the things I say.
I'm tired of repeating myself. I'm tired of feeling like an object of whom can be tossed and turned however you please. I'm not a plank of wood, I am a person. And when I'm upset I don't want to be tickled, I want to be caudilled. I want to feel love when the cosplayers get on my last nerve and I want you to support me even if what I say may seem out landish and stupid.
I want the zombie game disc to be out of my ps3, and you to ask before you change the song or radio station. I want you to feel like there's a chance you'll lose me because you've never changed anything before.
I cry and cry and cry... and you make me feel like dirt for starting the argument in the first place. I want to snuggle without fear of being jarred awake by tickling... and I want to trust you with that physical aspect. I want you not to pda in front of my parents or friends because it obviously makes me more uncomfortable then them.
I want to be held when I cry, even if it means your tears in my hair, and I don't ever want to hear just a minute unless you are PHYSICALLY (not virtually) tied to something. I want you to believe that I'm in pain when I'm in pain instead of brushing it off.
I do love you but if I end this rant on a sweet note, I truly believe you won't listen.... so when a girl starts flirting with you and ask you to call her pretty, be aware that right now I will pull her uterus out with my bare hands.
The rabbit won't stop digging, and your cat smells awful. Come make them stop and hold me.
Used. And retarded.
If you knew anything about me, you would know that I think about cosplay more than the healthy human limit. Cosplaying is creating a costume based off of an anime character and then modeling this costume at some event.
It means so much to me... to the point that I allow others to step all over me until I feel like I mean nothing. They use my home as a place they go to when their parents are sick of looking at them... they use it as a place to sleep with other boys/girls... they use my check book for loans and gas for me to drive them repetitively yo their homes... they use my parents for the beautiful work they can do, and eat off our plates without thank yous--- getting to the point that they just expect it.
Believe it or not, all of these are not the reason I'm blog ranting. The reason I am is because now my costume-- my reason for giving all you selfish bastards these things-- is suffering. And you people, even though I helped you out and shed blood and tears and my fucking time on your costumes to try to give you the same high that I feel in my wonderful costumes to try to convert just one of you to do this crazy thing again.... are all suddenly busy.
Now that you have to buy your own meals or you can't sneak behind my back and hook up, now that I have nothing left to give you because you pulled out pieces of my soul and strung it up on the cross like it was Christmas ornaments... now that I snap and cry and am so overwhelmed that my relationship with my boyfriend and my mom are taking the brunt of it... youre no where to be found.
Or when you do come over you sit around doing nothing, visiting like were in fucking high school, using me as a socializing gathering instead of a friend.
I'm here to tell you, that when I ask you to do something, don't respond back that its not your costume, or you're too tired, or you'd rather have a dick up your ass; remember everything I have done for you... the amount that I have cried for your costumes and how great they are because I would not let you take the easy way out.
Grow the fuck up. And write your dumb blog entries because I already posted all the pictures you would ever need.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Hungerrr
Wanna know the most depressing thing ever? I'm actually getting fat and I don't know what to do about it.
Here's the thing. Currently, I am so tired, that my body is feeling pain for me to go to sleep. I get shin splints when I need sleep, and i'm getting those to the point that I can't sleep. I don't think my sleeping has been too horrible. Last night I think I got six hours, before my alarm clock mis-informed about everything-- woke me up.
Could someone record the first episode of SVU of this season for me and send it to me at e-mail address acronymsoup66@hotmail.com? My DVR deleted it. Fuck you DVR.
Damn mis-informed alarm clocks. I would like to exercise. Exercising takes effort though. Maybe I should get myself a trainer so that I have appointments that I can't break... because... i keep breaking all appointments I make with friends. Well I don't even end up making appointments. I just say, you and me need to work out this day, this day, this day, and on that day I don't mention working out and nobody brings it up.
It's almost a good system, if you don't account for the fact I'm still not working out, and I'm still getting larger.
Everything makes me miserable. Today, I was thinking I'm hungry. I think about McDonalds, and then i think about the grease that McDonalds entails. So then I thought about Taco bell, because their stuff isn't fried ergo no grease, but then I thought-- well they don't have coke products... and coke is well-- the only thing that makes me happy and presentable to public people.
After these unhealthy thoughts, I thought well-- I should go to Matt's work and eat something healthy to help with this working out thing that isn't happening. But I didn't want to drive that far by myself, and at this point I was mega by myself. So here's this healthy food, which should make me happier, and I can't get to it because I'm alone.
So then I thought about the mango tea at Ruby Tuesdays. Which is-- also far away-- and five dollars for a drink-- should only be spent on a smoothie. Maybe. Not even on most occasions.
So I'm by myself, and driving, and thinking about all these things in a span of like-- well five minutes. That can't be healthy, huh?
So then I thought maybe subway would be healthy, so i go to stop at subway, and think about how my dad should be home around 3 or 4 o'clock, and then I wouldn't have to eat alone, so i called him and he said he'd try to get home closer to three, because he is indeed hungry too.
And now I want five guys.
And I'm still hungry.
Here's the thing. Currently, I am so tired, that my body is feeling pain for me to go to sleep. I get shin splints when I need sleep, and i'm getting those to the point that I can't sleep. I don't think my sleeping has been too horrible. Last night I think I got six hours, before my alarm clock mis-informed about everything-- woke me up.
Could someone record the first episode of SVU of this season for me and send it to me at e-mail address acronymsoup66@hotmail.com? My DVR deleted it. Fuck you DVR.
Damn mis-informed alarm clocks. I would like to exercise. Exercising takes effort though. Maybe I should get myself a trainer so that I have appointments that I can't break... because... i keep breaking all appointments I make with friends. Well I don't even end up making appointments. I just say, you and me need to work out this day, this day, this day, and on that day I don't mention working out and nobody brings it up.
It's almost a good system, if you don't account for the fact I'm still not working out, and I'm still getting larger.
Everything makes me miserable. Today, I was thinking I'm hungry. I think about McDonalds, and then i think about the grease that McDonalds entails. So then I thought about Taco bell, because their stuff isn't fried ergo no grease, but then I thought-- well they don't have coke products... and coke is well-- the only thing that makes me happy and presentable to public people.
After these unhealthy thoughts, I thought well-- I should go to Matt's work and eat something healthy to help with this working out thing that isn't happening. But I didn't want to drive that far by myself, and at this point I was mega by myself. So here's this healthy food, which should make me happier, and I can't get to it because I'm alone.
So then I thought about the mango tea at Ruby Tuesdays. Which is-- also far away-- and five dollars for a drink-- should only be spent on a smoothie. Maybe. Not even on most occasions.
So I'm by myself, and driving, and thinking about all these things in a span of like-- well five minutes. That can't be healthy, huh?
So then I thought maybe subway would be healthy, so i go to stop at subway, and think about how my dad should be home around 3 or 4 o'clock, and then I wouldn't have to eat alone, so i called him and he said he'd try to get home closer to three, because he is indeed hungry too.
And now I want five guys.
And I'm still hungry.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
It's this damn song...
Little Lion Man...
"but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
i really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?"
"but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
i really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?"
That lyric is almost striking to me. Why? I've been way too incredibly mean lately.
Here's the truth: Over this past year, i've been bruised and broken too many times.
It's hard for me to straighten out what i'm feeling and what i'm just "reacting" to as my french teacher calls it. People call me out on this, mainly the person I care about. I just want you guys to know that I'm trying, trying my hardest.
I drink more coke then the owner of the coca-cola website.
Lately it's been a lot of impulses. I know i should be studying for any of the many tests/finals i have next week, and even though i spent pretty much the whole night with good friends of mine, I just... feel completely alone. I realize that i'm becoming dependent on that significant other that I was talking about before. Somehow, i trust him to know when i'm just reacting to life, and what i'm feeling.
So without him... I just feel like a jumbled mass of emotions. I don't know if that makes sense. He's one of the first people I let in... and I keep fucking up... And I keep tucking myself further and further inside.
So here's the true point of this blog article. This guy-- means the world to me-- and he truly is a good guy I think. But what I need for you the reader, is just a little more time to get off my bruised tush.
I keep falling back down on it. Whether this be caused because of things that are or are not under others control. I want to get back to that point where I can hold you guys up... I want to get strong like that... But getting knocked down is a part of it...
I just wish we'd all grow up a little bit.
i don't know if any of this makes sense. I'm hurting. I'm crying while writing this, and i'm probably just going to get trolled because some of my english was wrong, or i'm too mopey, or sad, or I need to just stop writing all together.
weep for yourself, my man,
you'll never be what is in your heart
weep little lion man,
you're not as brave as you were at the start
rate yourself and rape/RAKE yourself,
take all the courage you have left
wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head
I just wish we'd all grow up a little bit. I need to start talking more. Because every time that I start talking about my own emotions, I freeze up, and then I just end up not saying anything. But it's hard to do that... when you don't know who you can trust, or when the one person you know you can trust unconditionally happens to go to sleep early...
you'll never be what is in your heart
weep little lion man,
you're not as brave as you were at the start
rate yourself and rape/RAKE yourself,
take all the courage you have left
wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head
I just wish we'd all grow up a little bit. I need to start talking more. Because every time that I start talking about my own emotions, I freeze up, and then I just end up not saying anything. But it's hard to do that... when you don't know who you can trust, or when the one person you know you can trust unconditionally happens to go to sleep early...
That wasn't meant to sound crazy. I guess I am just a psychotic bitch. I'll stop fucking up now-- right after report cards come out. Sorry mom that I once again failed you.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
I don't know what to call this mess
I somewhat wish that my blog wasn't on public so that I didn't have to show anybody my feelings. It seems like right now i suck them inside and just kind of smother them in coal until they go away. This could be distaste for someone, or a love for someone, or just anything all in general gets tucked into the bottom of my bowels and stays there for all eternity.
People are saying that I look unhealthy, but only if they knew how i'm actually feeling.
My french teacher keeps bashing on our English skills and I keep wanting to tell her exactly as the meaning of this blog. It doesn't matter what verbs are used, nor how great the grammar is. However, the words and the meaning of the words are what matters. Who cares if i said i have went to go see my cat vs. i went to see my cat. I certainly don't. You understood the meaning of that passage.
So please, Miss french teacher, stop grading three questions on my test and then giving me an F, when the back was my strong point. At least on the back I didn't have to do the cat questions. I'm in my school lounge as normal right now, and the people around me remind me of highschoolers. Most people remind me that I feel like i'm in high school.
I don't understand drama. I don't understand hating someone because of pure misconceptions. I don't understand why more people are not like that.
I hate the dirty looks i get, and i hate how much i don't care. I hate being cursed out by little sickly looking girls, and I hate how much everyone but me cares.
The kid next to me is sad about love, and i wish i could be. But truth is, the dumb highschoolers have blinded me towards any emotions that i might conceive. Words are shit. Words hurt. People hurt. Why should we talk to them? Wow, that just sounded like a schizophrenic psychopath. I'm surprised i spelled both of those words right.
I do hate my french class though. Seriously. How can you try so hard at something and still fail? It makes me not want to try you know... not want to try at all. I think this is why at the beginning of the semester that I didn't care so much about it. I knew i would fail if i tried. i knew that no tudor in the world could save me. I knew that the teacher would only grade three of my sentences, and I knew that life would get so much worse.
much worse.
Correct english there. We just learned about that in french class too. It doesn't become much worse, it becomes plur or something. Some little name that starts with a P.
Speaking of plur, why can't anybody use it? :/ Peace, love, understanding, respect.
People are saying that I look unhealthy, but only if they knew how i'm actually feeling.
My french teacher keeps bashing on our English skills and I keep wanting to tell her exactly as the meaning of this blog. It doesn't matter what verbs are used, nor how great the grammar is. However, the words and the meaning of the words are what matters. Who cares if i said i have went to go see my cat vs. i went to see my cat. I certainly don't. You understood the meaning of that passage.
So please, Miss french teacher, stop grading three questions on my test and then giving me an F, when the back was my strong point. At least on the back I didn't have to do the cat questions. I'm in my school lounge as normal right now, and the people around me remind me of highschoolers. Most people remind me that I feel like i'm in high school.
I don't understand drama. I don't understand hating someone because of pure misconceptions. I don't understand why more people are not like that.
I hate the dirty looks i get, and i hate how much i don't care. I hate being cursed out by little sickly looking girls, and I hate how much everyone but me cares.
The kid next to me is sad about love, and i wish i could be. But truth is, the dumb highschoolers have blinded me towards any emotions that i might conceive. Words are shit. Words hurt. People hurt. Why should we talk to them? Wow, that just sounded like a schizophrenic psychopath. I'm surprised i spelled both of those words right.
I do hate my french class though. Seriously. How can you try so hard at something and still fail? It makes me not want to try you know... not want to try at all. I think this is why at the beginning of the semester that I didn't care so much about it. I knew i would fail if i tried. i knew that no tudor in the world could save me. I knew that the teacher would only grade three of my sentences, and I knew that life would get so much worse.
much worse.
Correct english there. We just learned about that in french class too. It doesn't become much worse, it becomes plur or something. Some little name that starts with a P.
Speaking of plur, why can't anybody use it? :/ Peace, love, understanding, respect.
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