Sad

I feel so sad sometimes thinking about it. Thinking of the number of times you put her front of me. I can't help but feel like you try to have a relationship with her and when it didn't work out you came back to me because at least im comfortable. At least im good enough for the person that you can give me a chance.

I Still remember all the times used to put me first. I like to think that thats now but there is so many times you put her ahead of me and I pointed them out but it didn't seem like anything to you. How to make sure im you 1,000,000 times I'm the one and I don't think you can do that. Maybe it is just a matter of wont.

You don't respond to any of my messages because they are just that sad. Maybe thats what I need right now is for you respond to everything I say. I need to get the images out of my mind. I need everyone to know that I'm the only one for you. I don't think people know that or see it they used to. Everyone wants to take a break because they say this is not happy. But it really Doesn't have anything to do with anyone else.

I am so sad and you barely acknowledge this feeling. I do not know what else to do. I just want you to put me ahead of everything else again. I want to know that nothing like this is ever going to happen again. I want the strength to carry on. I need you to stop ignoring my emotions.

Please do anything to show me thaI always want to see the girls who carries a dozen roses, or eleven in your case, and not a loser that carries one. But I don't want you to give that one to anyone else.

i dunno

Must take carpel tunnel brace to write-- writing-- ugh-- hurts. Like for some reason it's totally deeply hurting my soul right now-- like it's going all the way through my wrist and into the rest of my body. I don't think that's a good thing. I really want to throw up, but throwing up is nearly impossible purely from being upset. I wish that it was easier, because sometimes the worst thing is actually wanting to throw up and not having the ability to-- like I'd like to shove my finger down my throat right about now, and just feel the pain of it burning up my esophagus.

So pretty much-- my worst fears came true-- i'm really upset-- I really much don't know what to do, nor do i just want to sit here and bash on the parties involved-- believe me-- i've done that enough-- physically. I think boyfriend currently can't hear out of one of his ears <<; that's probably an overstatement but i hit him pretty hard so I think that the least i can do is just talk about my feelings because they're the hardest part to swallow right now.

I feel like... everything i've ever done-- and everything i'll ever do-- is never going to be enough. I feel like nobody is ever going to love me the way that i want to be loved, and commit to me the way that i want to be committed to. So what is the point in being in this world, just to be unhappy? Just to make greedy people feel better about themselves from hurting me?

I don't know, i'm not going to kill myself right now, I'd have to give things more thoughts than just impulse. That may not make sense to anyone that isn't me, but i'm just kind of typing out of my ass about everything I feel.

Anger is scary to me about how much I truly hurt the things I love, physically. It's becoming one of those things that I regret. What happens when I have kids, or when my pets shit on the floor, like what happens then? I'm afraid  Plus the boyfriend I have has to be able to take a hit and that's just the reality apparently. I can't really quite describe things.

He's reading over my shoulder. And i think the only reason i'm not fighting him is the exhaustion that I have within myself right now. Even the text is not moving into my fingers as fast as it normally does-- though part of that's due to my mad left hand. I dunno though. Not all of it is-- the right hand's being a little sluggish too on it's part.

Who should I let remain in my life? That's i guess the question of the hour-- I want him here for more reasons then i can explain, though all of my friends are telling me how incredibly retarded i am.

As a side note-- note to ginger-- even though it makes me tear up to say that name right now-- the time at the beach, nearly every few hours we'd separate from the group because I was crying and he had to calm me down. I want more than anything to just appear to be normal, and i know that comes as a surprise to anyone who's ever seen me snap. When you saw me earlier-- sitting in his lap-- i had just had a mini anxiety attack-- i think i had a million tonight-- and my knees buckled and he caught me-- he always catches me.

I'm scared of manipulation. I'm scared of dumb decisions and I don't know how to exist with them. But in a way I don't know how to exist without them. What's going to happen to me?

Why am I so sad? But why have I been so sad should be way more of the problem here. Is this all my fault? Did i distance myself because of my depression and bring everything on myself? Or did just my jealousy butt it's ugly face in places that it never belonged. I dunno. Apparently my jealousy was right though-- so i guess it can't be the latter.

I feel so-- angry at myself-- thinking-- what could i have done differently-- what more could I have been-- why is this my fault? Why does this always happen in all of my serious relationships  is it something that I do as a person that effects the way that they see me to the point that they don't see me as a person anymore, just an object-- that's nice to have around?

And if I am viewed as an object then what prevents me from being treated like one again?

I feel so sick. Sick of my mind, my emotions, and my life. Sick of everything that reminds me of something bad and all I seem to want to do is strike out and hit something or someone. It's not even a good plane to fly on, because after all my anger scares me, so striking and flailing makes me feel like even worse of a person than I was at the start.

I just want something or someone that would love me unconditionally  without all the bi-laws or outrageous feelings getting in the way of things. Someone who would always be by my side and never make me feel negative about myself. But i make myself feel negative about myself...

I dunno what more to say. I'll probably type a lot more in the next like-- forever-- because i'm sad or maybe i'll surround myself in cosplay and enlist the people who care about me to use the razor blade to cut out leaves when I don't trust myself enough to hold onto it.

Headaches-- Heart aches

You embarrassed me by telling everyone except me your feelings. Here comes the anger I guess. Why can't you just fucking love me? Like over and over again people tell me obnoxiously that they're going to love me forever, and when they have the money they're going to buy me that ring that symbol of their commitment forever. and You told me the same thing.

I just want that. I just want someone that's going to love me unconditionally when i'm sad and when i'm happy, and to me that's what love is. Love means the unconditional, but no one else in this world believes that. I thought i finally found someone that understood, that wanted a family as much as I do, and wanted marriage and commitment.

You screwed that all up. You tell me you're sorry for breaking promises when in the beginning of this relationship I would not let you in and you knew it. And now that you're in, you don't love that person? Now that i've torn down every barrier that i have from the outside world and let you see all the tears, and the cuts and the grief, you can't love me?

How is that supposed to make me want to stay here? When the only person who sees me completely raw, with my past splayed out the table and every time i did something stupid to feel loved, and he pretended to be fine with it all, until one girl comes up and screws everything up, and screws up my trust of you. What if another girl comes along?

Do you realize how many stupid girls have torn me to pieces? And then you get mad at me for my friendships with guys?

If the person who sees me the rawest doesn't even love me, how am i supposed to find someone that does? Every person gets so in depth and then they leave me, and when they come back i'm not the same person and i never ever will be. Healing fucks my mind up more than anyone could ever imagine because i sit there and go through every possibility and every negative thought about myself and I just don't want to do it again.

It all doesn't seam to matter to you, my tears don't even effect you anymore. Is that what love is? Why do you keep telling me you love me and you want to leave me at the same time? Why am i such a screwed up person that nobody can love?

I just want forever, and i keep getting pretend.

Ebbing and Flowing

My head is killing me from the emotions. It's angry one minute, sad the next. I try to turn the anger to sadness as much as humanly possible, because I hit, and i act out when i'm angry. At least when i'm sad i'm only hysterical. Anger brings this overpowered hulk out of me, the one that feels like they can do anything, and then gets frustrated when people hold me down because i'm 130 pounds of flailing non-sequential force.

You're frustrated with the sadness. You think that the anger will somehow make more sense to you. You're frustrated with the crying. Hitting and acting out is easier to understand, but you have to be aware that while our relationship is failing, hitting and acting out and that anger that aggression is the shit that scares me the most. I'd be lying if i'd never acted out to an animal or someone that i truly cared about. What happens when I have kids? What happens when my husband is close to 100 pounds too, and he can't hold me down anymore. What happens when i get strong?

I'd rather cry. I don't think crying has as much of a hangover that's associated with it. Crying just kind of leads me to a path of limbo where I am attempting to digest all of the information but really, that dot on the ceiling looks so much more audible.

I want to die. There are so many people holding me here, holding with one hand, the other looking at their cell phone, or tv, or job. I don't blame them, there are so many better things to watch then a female slowly tearing her body apart to try to feel normal, to try to have some sense of control. It's like everyone wants inside, they want to know what it is that I'm feeling, but if I told them, they would be scared.

I guess let's dive right into it, explaining my disorder isn't going to make this any easier.

I'm scared that Teddy's going to show up on his golden horse and expect something out of me. It wouldn't be uncharacteristic of his behavior, and I think I would get just as aggressive as he was to me. I don't want that. I want to remain nowhere near him, I want him to stop waving to me when he passes me in the car, and I want him to act like when he has a girlfriend and I don't exist so that I can drink and hurt myself without feeling like he's the cause at all.

I'm scared to be alone. Point blank. Mr. Yuri if we were to break up, nobody else at this point knows my crazy. Nobody knows how to deal with it better than you, nobody can wrap their arms around me without frustrating me while i'm flailing and melt anger into sadness. I've always wanted you to be there. And truth be told there were times that you knew i was upset and you ignored them, and that's what bothers me. If you can't think about my sadness and something that is so raw a part of me, how am i supposed to think about your cheating in any way that it isn't?

Sometimes emotional cheating feels the worst of all. I went through this with other boyfriends and it usually happens right before they do start cheating. They go to another girl to vent off their frustrations, and in this case the girl is my best friend, and they begin venting and the girl gains feelings for the boy, and then the girl begins to change her attitude, instead of it being, you two need to stay together because love conquers all, it turns into maybe you guys love isn't right. She sees that raw part of you, and she sees you torn down and broken and you know, she kind of likes it, and she wants to build that back up again so that maybe one day you'll care about her the same way that you cared about that other person.

And then sex get's introduced into it. It's led to with careless flirting, someone touching the other's arm-- electrifying - someone texting the other saying that they looked good in whatever thing that they were wearing-- hug worthy-- I don't know-- and then all this snowball effect keeps falling down stairs until boom, you're in my bed, ass naked, doing another girl.

i don't want it to get to that point. And I think that I'm not the only one that sees this digressing, people all the time have been telling me little signs, and they've allowed me to see the bigger signs. The times that you felt her up when you were next to her, thinking "Cool, i can rub two pussies at the same time," or the time you dissapeared for four hours with her. Or the time that you kissed her... or the time that i watched you guys giggle over the same things for two hours.

I feel like i've never been good enough for you. It's -- let's flake off this piece of dead skin-- and you need to take a shower today-- and why can't you keep your shit clean (Shit being-- room, car.)-- It's you're lazy-- it's you don't love me enough-- and it's-- you love someone else (be that may as a friend). I can't take all these requests and that's the nice thing to do in the situation.

Remember when you fall in love and you see that first flaw and you go-- well-- I'm in love so i can overlook it. Where the fuck is that now? Where the fuck is that saving my relationship. Instead you embarres me telling every tom dick and hairy what it is that's wrong with our relationship without filling in the details of your aggression and your sex drive that led me to apparently not caring about you-- that led you to look elsewhere for someone of whom cares-- that led you to continually talk to the cute girl at work-- yeah i notice.

I think that me staying with you-- is the point where i care about you-- and I wish instead of sweeping things under the rug that you confronted them when they happened. It wasn't a big deal when i was crying, because you got me to stop crying and that should be the end of the feelings right? I'm not going to be the one sitting in the bath tub the next day crying by myself without you even noticing it-- right?

I feel so horrible about myself, and I think you're the first thing that's been able to make me do that in a long time, and it's horrible that you're manipulating me to think this. It's always-- well i know i flirt with your best friend but you never loved me enough-- cheap shot. Deal with the flirting thing. Don't bring up another thing that is going to make me feel awful while i'm already sad.

I don't know what to say anymore, but i'll probably have a bunch more journal entries to come because I kind of want to kill myself right now. I want to be destructive. I want to drink alochol until i can't feel anything anymore and i expect you to support me in that. Because right now, not feeling is the only thing that's going to keep me a living person.

You.

I wish I could tell you every word that goes through my head, but the truth is you don't want to listen. Even when you hear them you don't listen to them. I am a loud and proud young women and despite popular belief, I do mean the things I say.

I'm tired of repeating myself. I'm tired of feeling like an object of whom can be tossed and turned however you please. I'm not a plank of wood, I am a person. And when I'm upset I don't want to be tickled, I want to be caudilled. I want to feel love when the cosplayers get on my last nerve and I want you to support me even if what I say may seem out landish and stupid.

I want the zombie game disc to be out of my ps3, and you to ask before you change the song or radio station. I want you to feel like there's a chance you'll lose me because you've never changed anything before.

I cry and cry and cry... and you make me feel like dirt for starting the argument in the first place. I want to snuggle without fear of being jarred awake by tickling... and I want to trust you with that physical aspect. I want you not to pda in front of my parents or friends because it obviously makes me more uncomfortable then them.

I want to be held when I cry, even if it means your tears in my hair, and I don't ever want to hear just a minute unless you are PHYSICALLY (not virtually) tied to something. I want you to believe that I'm in pain when I'm in pain instead of brushing it off.

I do love you but if I end this rant on a sweet note, I truly believe you won't listen.... so when a girl starts flirting with you and ask you to call her pretty, be aware that right now I will pull her uterus out with my bare hands.

The rabbit won't stop digging, and your cat smells awful. Come make them stop and hold me.

Used. And retarded.

If you knew anything about me, you would know that I think about cosplay more than the healthy human limit. Cosplaying is creating a costume based off of an anime character and then modeling this costume at some event.

It means so much to me... to the point that I allow others to step all over me until I feel like I mean nothing. They use my home as a place they go to when their parents are sick of looking at them... they use it as a place to sleep with other boys/girls... they use my check book for loans and gas for me to drive them repetitively yo their homes... they use my parents for the beautiful work they can do, and eat off our plates without thank yous--- getting to the point that they just expect it.

Believe it or not, all of these are not the reason I'm blog ranting. The reason I am is because now my costume-- my reason for giving all you selfish bastards these things-- is suffering. And you people, even though I helped you out and shed blood and tears and my fucking time on your costumes to try to give you the same high that I feel in my wonderful costumes to try to convert just one of you to do this crazy thing again.... are all suddenly busy.

Now that you have to buy your own meals or you can't sneak behind my back and hook up, now that I have nothing left to give you because you pulled out pieces of my soul and strung it up on the cross like it was Christmas ornaments... now that I snap and cry and am so overwhelmed that my relationship with my boyfriend and my mom are taking the brunt of it... youre no where to be found.

Or when you do come over you sit around doing nothing, visiting like were in fucking high school, using me as a socializing gathering instead of a friend.

I'm here to tell you, that when I ask you to do something, don't respond back that its not your costume, or you're too tired, or you'd rather have a dick up your ass; remember everything I have done for you... the amount that I have cried for your costumes and how great they are because I would not let you take the easy way out.

Grow the fuck up. And write your dumb blog entries because I already posted all the pictures you would ever need.

Hungerrr

Wanna know the most depressing thing ever? I'm actually getting fat and I don't know what to do about it.

Here's the thing. Currently, I am so tired, that my body is feeling pain for me to go to sleep. I get shin splints when I need sleep, and i'm getting those to the point that I can't sleep. I don't think my sleeping has been too horrible. Last night I think I got six hours, before my alarm clock mis-informed about everything-- woke me up.

Could someone record the first episode of SVU of this season for me and send it to me at e-mail address acronymsoup66@hotmail.com? My DVR deleted it. Fuck you DVR.

Damn mis-informed alarm clocks. I would like to exercise. Exercising takes effort though. Maybe I should get myself a trainer so that I have appointments that I can't break... because... i keep breaking all appointments I make with friends. Well I don't even end up making appointments. I just say, you and me need to work out this day, this day, this day, and on that day I don't mention working out and nobody brings it up.

It's almost a good system, if you don't account for the fact I'm still not working out, and I'm still getting larger.

Everything makes me miserable. Today, I was thinking I'm hungry. I think about McDonalds, and then i think about the grease that McDonalds entails. So then I thought about Taco bell, because their stuff isn't fried ergo no grease, but then I thought-- well they don't have coke products... and coke is well-- the only thing that makes me happy and presentable to public people.

After these unhealthy thoughts, I thought well-- I should go to Matt's work and eat something healthy to help with this working out thing that isn't happening. But I didn't want to drive that far by myself, and at this point I was mega by myself. So here's this healthy food, which should make me happier, and I can't get to it because I'm alone.

So then I thought about the mango tea at Ruby Tuesdays. Which is-- also far away-- and five dollars for a drink-- should only be spent on a smoothie. Maybe. Not even on most occasions.

So I'm by myself, and driving, and thinking about all these things in a span of like-- well five minutes. That can't be healthy, huh?

So then I thought maybe subway would be healthy, so i go to stop at subway, and think about how my dad should be home around 3 or 4 o'clock, and then I wouldn't have to eat alone, so i called him and he said he'd try to get home closer to three, because he is indeed hungry too.

And now I want five guys.

And I'm still hungry.

It's this damn song...

Little Lion Man...

"but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
i really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?"

That lyric is almost striking to me. Why? I've been way too incredibly mean lately. 

Here's the truth: Over this past year, i've been bruised and broken too many times.

It's hard for me to straighten out what i'm feeling and what i'm just "reacting" to as my french teacher calls it. People call me out on this, mainly the person I care about. I just want you guys to know that I'm trying, trying my hardest.

I drink more coke then the owner of the coca-cola website.

Lately it's been a lot of impulses. I know i should be studying for any of the many tests/finals i have next week, and even though i spent pretty much the whole night with good friends of mine, I just... feel completely alone. I realize that i'm becoming dependent on that significant other that I was talking about before. Somehow, i trust him to know when i'm just reacting to life, and what i'm feeling. 

So without him... I just feel like a jumbled mass of emotions. I don't know if that makes sense. He's one of the first people I let in... and I keep fucking up... And I keep tucking myself further and further inside.

So here's the true point of this blog article. This guy-- means the world to me-- and he truly is a good guy I think. But what I need for you the reader, is just a little more time to get off my bruised tush.

I keep falling back down on it. Whether this be caused because of things that are or are not under others control. I want to get back to that point where I can hold you guys up... I want to get strong like that... But getting knocked down is a part of it...

I just wish we'd all grow up a little bit. 

i don't know if any of this makes sense. I'm hurting. I'm crying while writing this, and i'm probably just going to get trolled because some of my english was wrong, or i'm too mopey, or sad, or I need to just stop writing all together.

weep for yourself, my man, 
you'll never be what is in your heart
weep little lion man, 
you're not as brave as you were at the start
rate yourself and rape/RAKE yourself, 
take all the courage you have left
wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head
I just wish we'd all grow up a little bit. I need to start talking more. Because every time that I start talking about my own emotions, I freeze up, and then I just end up not saying anything. But it's hard to do that... when you don't know who you can trust, or when the one person you know you can trust unconditionally happens to go to sleep early...

That wasn't meant to sound crazy. I guess I am just a psychotic bitch. I'll stop fucking up now-- right after report cards come out. Sorry mom that I once again failed you.

I don't know what to call this mess

I somewhat wish that my blog wasn't on public so that I didn't have to show anybody my feelings. It seems like right now i suck them inside and just kind of smother them in coal until they go away. This could be distaste for someone, or a love for someone, or just anything all in general gets tucked into the bottom of my bowels and stays there for all eternity.

People are saying that I look unhealthy, but only if they knew how i'm actually feeling.

My french teacher keeps bashing on our English skills and I keep wanting to tell her exactly as the meaning of this blog. It doesn't matter what verbs are used, nor how great the grammar is. However, the words and the meaning of the words are what matters. Who cares if i said i have went to go see my cat vs. i went to see my cat. I certainly don't. You understood the meaning of that passage.

So please, Miss french teacher, stop grading three questions on my test and then giving me an F, when the back was my strong point. At least on the back I didn't have to do the cat questions. I'm in my school lounge as normal right now, and the people around me remind me of highschoolers. Most people remind me that I feel like i'm in high school.

I don't understand drama. I don't understand hating someone because of pure misconceptions. I don't understand why more people are not like that.

I hate the dirty looks i get, and i hate how much i don't care. I hate being cursed out by little sickly looking girls, and I hate how much everyone but me cares.

The kid next to me is sad about love, and i wish i could be. But truth is, the dumb highschoolers have blinded me towards any emotions that i might conceive. Words are shit. Words hurt. People hurt. Why should we talk to them? Wow, that just sounded like a schizophrenic psychopath. I'm surprised i spelled both of those words right.

I do hate my french class though. Seriously. How can you try so hard at something and still fail? It makes me not want to try you know... not want to try at all. I think this is why at the beginning of the semester that I didn't care so much about it. I knew i would fail if i tried. i knew that no tudor in the world could save me. I knew that the teacher would only grade three of my sentences, and I knew that life would get so much worse.

much worse.

Correct english there. We just learned about that in french class too. It doesn't become much worse, it becomes plur or something. Some little name that starts with a P.

Speaking of plur, why can't anybody use it? :/ Peace, love, understanding, respect.

Gai.

My friend told me the other day that whenever I'm upset, that I should write. This guy's known me since I was fourteen, been there when I found myself, and then was there when I found myself again, as well as the umpteenth times I've re-invented myself. I guess that's why I'm writing... to see if it really does make you feel any better... Well, you wouldn't be the correct subject to put in that sentences... I guess... To see if writing makes me feel any better.

It takes a lot to admit that you're not perfect. We say it a million times. We say we're snowflakes, and that we're unique. But are we really? I like to think that I'm different, but i back stabbed my duckling just like everyone else did. I feel like crap about myself, but around her my sanity was dwindling, and dealing with the things that she was saying, was making me exponentially more upset.

I'm trying to cope; truly I am. I went to the dentist and got two stitches put in my gums. That kind of hurt. One of the stitches got ripped out during dinner and that hurt too. The dentist almost gave me the good pain meds (which i already have anyways) because he said they were going to hurt a lot. If only he knew the two root canals in my mouth hurt tenfold more then what any mini surgery I had previously this week.

I want to work on cosplay but yet again, I'm waiting for something to dry. I feel like i'm going to wake up at 4am and not be able to fall asleep and just end up down there, sanding away. That sounds like something I would do. I mean, I bake cupcakes and cookies at four o'clock in the morning so why wouldn't I work on finishing up some wooden guns?

I guess I'm too involved in cosplay because the signifigant other seems to be progressively getting more mad at me for it. I don't know, cosplay is some escape... Some escape that i stabbed my duckling in the back, and i'm only getting four hours a week at work, and i'm failing french steadily. I really am hoping to come home tomorrow and magically my staff head will be done, as well as the little pieces that I can't cut in my guns. Maybe even some of their sanding.

Doubt that one though. Wish I had a cuddle partner for the night. Don't know what kind of else nonsense to write. Just kinda... blabbering on about how pathetic I feel sometimes. :}

Happy... Whatever.

Middle of the night posting

It's 5:30am. Why am I awake? There's too many things going through my mind... mainly cosplay this... cosplay that. I don't really know what I'm thinking about though. My friend told me, that i've been getting so sad lately because I've stopped writing... so I guess this is my attempt to start, since he knows me better than most people I hang out with now.

I don't know why I'm sad... I'm not really sad... kind of indifferent. Things that used to make me cry don't make me cry anymore. I get upset, and i know I'm upset but i show visibly no emotion besides holding onto someone as a type of security blanket keeping me in this world. Did that make sense? I don't know... It's 5:30am.

I guess i'm going to start by writing a little mini letter to a girl that is almost having the same problems as I once had.

You see, six months ago... I was really lost. It wasn't that I flirted with people, just that they took my actions as flirting and I rarely corrected them. It was easier for me to pretend that I didn't exist. It felt like... they weren't permanent, so why should i fix these connections? It took me a while to realize that these semi-permanent friends took me in when I had no-one else without knowing me. Be-friended me and listened to me when there was no one there. And even though they hardly knew my name, they hugged me and held me while I cried.

These people are awesome, because when I did begin to finally find myself and who I think-- because i'm 20 and we change our minds a million times-- i want to be-- and then accept that person.

But now they're not accepting her.

I know her as someone nobody else knows her as. I remember when she had to give a big presentation for the first time in my class. I remember when she passed out in my English class, when I hardly knew her name. I remember my professor telling me to get back to what i was working on, but i couldn't stop touching her, like maybe if i held onto her, she wouldn't further slip away. I remember being so scared that something was seriously wrong.

I know her as the girl who didn't tell me she was too hungry and was going to pass out, and passed out in the basement of a convention with 32,000 people at it. I remember how fast I was running up and down every aisle praying for some solution to the problem. I remember, holding her belongings in full cosplay as my friend carried her up flights of stairs.

She said something the other day... She said she was like a little duck that everyone needed to take care of.

This isn't far from the truth. Every once and a while, we all become that little duck. We all become that person who can hardly live our lives as they spiral out of control. We all need to hold onto someone, if only for comfort, and sometimes we slip and fall and make mistakes and but our burdens on someone else. But that never changes who we are inside.

You see, through all my changes, through all the situations that brought me to the self awareness that I am at now, I still protect my friends with everything inside of me. I still fight for them. I still try my hardest to show up at their houses in the middle of the night if there's even a hint of them needing me. I'm still sympathetic to depression and suicide, and i'm still the girl who's talked so many people away from an invisible ledge. That's something to be proud of.

I don't stand high enough at the center of the friend circle to be able to sway opinions of my little lost duckling, however, I ask you this. Remember that time that you stumbled and fell, remember that person that you put a little too much weight on. Apologize to that person, and then remember that everyone has those people, and it's not a bad thing necessarily but the worst thing you can do, is to kick these people while they're already down.

I can't imagine what life would be like without all of the people that I have in it. And if I can do anything about it, I will give every thing that I have in life, including my own bodily essence to save practically anyone else. That's who I am. Now let's figure out who you are.

Going in a complete opposite direction... It's sad to watch the ways that some of the people have gone down after high school. I used to think that these people had so much potential, and now it's wasted in things like drugs and alcohol and all i want to say to them is "not cool."

I don't know whatever made it cool, parsay. I'm at least starting to get tired now by getting all of this off my chest.

My cosplay blog is mightily failing. It's sad. I want a cosplay group. Is it especially weird that I want some one that I can pose with specifically? Either that or to be singled out like Yuna normally is... I don't know. As of right now I have the entire trio from X-2, but how long will that last before we're all torn to pieces by lifes uncertainty.

I hate dissection. I have to dissect every tuesday since last week, for three weeks after that. It takes a lot out of me. It's hard to do something that you think is morally wrong. I try to think that it was never a living being, so that seems to make things easier. I think of it as some plastic mold thing that someone made because they were bored in their basements. I don't really care about grammar anymore.

It's approaching 5:48 AM.

I'm starting to fall for a boy. Like truly fall for him. Sometimes he goes quiet though and it makes me feel like something I did was wrong... but he touches me constantly and I like that because like i said above, it makes me feel like i'm cemented to this world by something and I'm not going to fly away like a red balloon.

I hate french class too. Wow this is just one giant VENT. I'm so obnoxious and tired but not wanting to sleep. It's 5:50. I am getting to the point where I type really fast, even though I don't have an aim for my sentences. French is just exhausting. I think i failed another test. Mom's going to be getting me a tutor. I hope it's someone who's understanding and can just help me fake to learn french for just another like two months so that I can do this.

I want to work out. I want to have another job so that I can afford to buy my significant other things. Mainly costumes. Does that sound gay? I want more money. I'm getting PRK in June. I'm scared that he's not going to be able to be there enough, but i know that he'd be there enough to make sure that someone is constantly there. So i'm not constantly relying on my parents. How many times did I just say the word constantly in one sentence?

It's 5:52 AM.

Four minutes and I wrote 3 paragraphs.

I want to write stories again but I don't really have the time.

My goal for my year off is to get published... In something... anything... Anything paper though. It has to be on paper like in the paper, or in a book, or anywhere that's not just on my personal blog.

Someone try to hold me to that. I won't have the time to make excuses.

Someone get a gym membership with me, so i have a reason to actually go.

I don't have the money to go.

It's 5:54 AM, my bed is cold because my windows open and at the end of the day I'm going to end up going to get the dog that we're babysitting downstairs, and pull her up stairs and cuddle with her because I'm lonely, and i'm sad again, for absolutely no reason, like I had said above.

I wasted 30 minutes of my life on writing. It's sad that that's what I really want to do with my life and I just said that. I need to make more cosplay posts... hmmm...

And a todo list:

Todo: Trick more people into cosplaying with me

Trick more people into giving me food

Trick someone into becoming my gym partner

Trick someone else into being my cardio partner (Aka, running--- ew)

Trick another person into becoming my photographer...



Well, not really tricking. I accept volunteers.