Sad

I feel so sad sometimes thinking about it. Thinking of the number of times you put her front of me. I can't help but feel like you try to have a relationship with her and when it didn't work out you came back to me because at least im comfortable. At least im good enough for the person that you can give me a chance.

I Still remember all the times used to put me first. I like to think that thats now but there is so many times you put her ahead of me and I pointed them out but it didn't seem like anything to you. How to make sure im you 1,000,000 times I'm the one and I don't think you can do that. Maybe it is just a matter of wont.

You don't respond to any of my messages because they are just that sad. Maybe thats what I need right now is for you respond to everything I say. I need to get the images out of my mind. I need everyone to know that I'm the only one for you. I don't think people know that or see it they used to. Everyone wants to take a break because they say this is not happy. But it really Doesn't have anything to do with anyone else.

I am so sad and you barely acknowledge this feeling. I do not know what else to do. I just want you to put me ahead of everything else again. I want to know that nothing like this is ever going to happen again. I want the strength to carry on. I need you to stop ignoring my emotions.

Please do anything to show me thaI always want to see the girls who carries a dozen roses, or eleven in your case, and not a loser that carries one. But I don't want you to give that one to anyone else.

i dunno

Must take carpel tunnel brace to write-- writing-- ugh-- hurts. Like for some reason it's totally deeply hurting my soul right now-- like it's going all the way through my wrist and into the rest of my body. I don't think that's a good thing. I really want to throw up, but throwing up is nearly impossible purely from being upset. I wish that it was easier, because sometimes the worst thing is actually wanting to throw up and not having the ability to-- like I'd like to shove my finger down my throat right about now, and just feel the pain of it burning up my esophagus.

So pretty much-- my worst fears came true-- i'm really upset-- I really much don't know what to do, nor do i just want to sit here and bash on the parties involved-- believe me-- i've done that enough-- physically. I think boyfriend currently can't hear out of one of his ears <<; that's probably an overstatement but i hit him pretty hard so I think that the least i can do is just talk about my feelings because they're the hardest part to swallow right now.

I feel like... everything i've ever done-- and everything i'll ever do-- is never going to be enough. I feel like nobody is ever going to love me the way that i want to be loved, and commit to me the way that i want to be committed to. So what is the point in being in this world, just to be unhappy? Just to make greedy people feel better about themselves from hurting me?

I don't know, i'm not going to kill myself right now, I'd have to give things more thoughts than just impulse. That may not make sense to anyone that isn't me, but i'm just kind of typing out of my ass about everything I feel.

Anger is scary to me about how much I truly hurt the things I love, physically. It's becoming one of those things that I regret. What happens when I have kids, or when my pets shit on the floor, like what happens then? I'm afraid  Plus the boyfriend I have has to be able to take a hit and that's just the reality apparently. I can't really quite describe things.

He's reading over my shoulder. And i think the only reason i'm not fighting him is the exhaustion that I have within myself right now. Even the text is not moving into my fingers as fast as it normally does-- though part of that's due to my mad left hand. I dunno though. Not all of it is-- the right hand's being a little sluggish too on it's part.

Who should I let remain in my life? That's i guess the question of the hour-- I want him here for more reasons then i can explain, though all of my friends are telling me how incredibly retarded i am.

As a side note-- note to ginger-- even though it makes me tear up to say that name right now-- the time at the beach, nearly every few hours we'd separate from the group because I was crying and he had to calm me down. I want more than anything to just appear to be normal, and i know that comes as a surprise to anyone who's ever seen me snap. When you saw me earlier-- sitting in his lap-- i had just had a mini anxiety attack-- i think i had a million tonight-- and my knees buckled and he caught me-- he always catches me.

I'm scared of manipulation. I'm scared of dumb decisions and I don't know how to exist with them. But in a way I don't know how to exist without them. What's going to happen to me?

Why am I so sad? But why have I been so sad should be way more of the problem here. Is this all my fault? Did i distance myself because of my depression and bring everything on myself? Or did just my jealousy butt it's ugly face in places that it never belonged. I dunno. Apparently my jealousy was right though-- so i guess it can't be the latter.

I feel so-- angry at myself-- thinking-- what could i have done differently-- what more could I have been-- why is this my fault? Why does this always happen in all of my serious relationships  is it something that I do as a person that effects the way that they see me to the point that they don't see me as a person anymore, just an object-- that's nice to have around?

And if I am viewed as an object then what prevents me from being treated like one again?

I feel so sick. Sick of my mind, my emotions, and my life. Sick of everything that reminds me of something bad and all I seem to want to do is strike out and hit something or someone. It's not even a good plane to fly on, because after all my anger scares me, so striking and flailing makes me feel like even worse of a person than I was at the start.

I just want something or someone that would love me unconditionally  without all the bi-laws or outrageous feelings getting in the way of things. Someone who would always be by my side and never make me feel negative about myself. But i make myself feel negative about myself...

I dunno what more to say. I'll probably type a lot more in the next like-- forever-- because i'm sad or maybe i'll surround myself in cosplay and enlist the people who care about me to use the razor blade to cut out leaves when I don't trust myself enough to hold onto it.

Headaches-- Heart aches

You embarrassed me by telling everyone except me your feelings. Here comes the anger I guess. Why can't you just fucking love me? Like over and over again people tell me obnoxiously that they're going to love me forever, and when they have the money they're going to buy me that ring that symbol of their commitment forever. and You told me the same thing.

I just want that. I just want someone that's going to love me unconditionally when i'm sad and when i'm happy, and to me that's what love is. Love means the unconditional, but no one else in this world believes that. I thought i finally found someone that understood, that wanted a family as much as I do, and wanted marriage and commitment.

You screwed that all up. You tell me you're sorry for breaking promises when in the beginning of this relationship I would not let you in and you knew it. And now that you're in, you don't love that person? Now that i've torn down every barrier that i have from the outside world and let you see all the tears, and the cuts and the grief, you can't love me?

How is that supposed to make me want to stay here? When the only person who sees me completely raw, with my past splayed out the table and every time i did something stupid to feel loved, and he pretended to be fine with it all, until one girl comes up and screws everything up, and screws up my trust of you. What if another girl comes along?

Do you realize how many stupid girls have torn me to pieces? And then you get mad at me for my friendships with guys?

If the person who sees me the rawest doesn't even love me, how am i supposed to find someone that does? Every person gets so in depth and then they leave me, and when they come back i'm not the same person and i never ever will be. Healing fucks my mind up more than anyone could ever imagine because i sit there and go through every possibility and every negative thought about myself and I just don't want to do it again.

It all doesn't seam to matter to you, my tears don't even effect you anymore. Is that what love is? Why do you keep telling me you love me and you want to leave me at the same time? Why am i such a screwed up person that nobody can love?

I just want forever, and i keep getting pretend.

Ebbing and Flowing

My head is killing me from the emotions. It's angry one minute, sad the next. I try to turn the anger to sadness as much as humanly possible, because I hit, and i act out when i'm angry. At least when i'm sad i'm only hysterical. Anger brings this overpowered hulk out of me, the one that feels like they can do anything, and then gets frustrated when people hold me down because i'm 130 pounds of flailing non-sequential force.

You're frustrated with the sadness. You think that the anger will somehow make more sense to you. You're frustrated with the crying. Hitting and acting out is easier to understand, but you have to be aware that while our relationship is failing, hitting and acting out and that anger that aggression is the shit that scares me the most. I'd be lying if i'd never acted out to an animal or someone that i truly cared about. What happens when I have kids? What happens when my husband is close to 100 pounds too, and he can't hold me down anymore. What happens when i get strong?

I'd rather cry. I don't think crying has as much of a hangover that's associated with it. Crying just kind of leads me to a path of limbo where I am attempting to digest all of the information but really, that dot on the ceiling looks so much more audible.

I want to die. There are so many people holding me here, holding with one hand, the other looking at their cell phone, or tv, or job. I don't blame them, there are so many better things to watch then a female slowly tearing her body apart to try to feel normal, to try to have some sense of control. It's like everyone wants inside, they want to know what it is that I'm feeling, but if I told them, they would be scared.

I guess let's dive right into it, explaining my disorder isn't going to make this any easier.

I'm scared that Teddy's going to show up on his golden horse and expect something out of me. It wouldn't be uncharacteristic of his behavior, and I think I would get just as aggressive as he was to me. I don't want that. I want to remain nowhere near him, I want him to stop waving to me when he passes me in the car, and I want him to act like when he has a girlfriend and I don't exist so that I can drink and hurt myself without feeling like he's the cause at all.

I'm scared to be alone. Point blank. Mr. Yuri if we were to break up, nobody else at this point knows my crazy. Nobody knows how to deal with it better than you, nobody can wrap their arms around me without frustrating me while i'm flailing and melt anger into sadness. I've always wanted you to be there. And truth be told there were times that you knew i was upset and you ignored them, and that's what bothers me. If you can't think about my sadness and something that is so raw a part of me, how am i supposed to think about your cheating in any way that it isn't?

Sometimes emotional cheating feels the worst of all. I went through this with other boyfriends and it usually happens right before they do start cheating. They go to another girl to vent off their frustrations, and in this case the girl is my best friend, and they begin venting and the girl gains feelings for the boy, and then the girl begins to change her attitude, instead of it being, you two need to stay together because love conquers all, it turns into maybe you guys love isn't right. She sees that raw part of you, and she sees you torn down and broken and you know, she kind of likes it, and she wants to build that back up again so that maybe one day you'll care about her the same way that you cared about that other person.

And then sex get's introduced into it. It's led to with careless flirting, someone touching the other's arm-- electrifying - someone texting the other saying that they looked good in whatever thing that they were wearing-- hug worthy-- I don't know-- and then all this snowball effect keeps falling down stairs until boom, you're in my bed, ass naked, doing another girl.

i don't want it to get to that point. And I think that I'm not the only one that sees this digressing, people all the time have been telling me little signs, and they've allowed me to see the bigger signs. The times that you felt her up when you were next to her, thinking "Cool, i can rub two pussies at the same time," or the time you dissapeared for four hours with her. Or the time that you kissed her... or the time that i watched you guys giggle over the same things for two hours.

I feel like i've never been good enough for you. It's -- let's flake off this piece of dead skin-- and you need to take a shower today-- and why can't you keep your shit clean (Shit being-- room, car.)-- It's you're lazy-- it's you don't love me enough-- and it's-- you love someone else (be that may as a friend). I can't take all these requests and that's the nice thing to do in the situation.

Remember when you fall in love and you see that first flaw and you go-- well-- I'm in love so i can overlook it. Where the fuck is that now? Where the fuck is that saving my relationship. Instead you embarres me telling every tom dick and hairy what it is that's wrong with our relationship without filling in the details of your aggression and your sex drive that led me to apparently not caring about you-- that led you to look elsewhere for someone of whom cares-- that led you to continually talk to the cute girl at work-- yeah i notice.

I think that me staying with you-- is the point where i care about you-- and I wish instead of sweeping things under the rug that you confronted them when they happened. It wasn't a big deal when i was crying, because you got me to stop crying and that should be the end of the feelings right? I'm not going to be the one sitting in the bath tub the next day crying by myself without you even noticing it-- right?

I feel so horrible about myself, and I think you're the first thing that's been able to make me do that in a long time, and it's horrible that you're manipulating me to think this. It's always-- well i know i flirt with your best friend but you never loved me enough-- cheap shot. Deal with the flirting thing. Don't bring up another thing that is going to make me feel awful while i'm already sad.

I don't know what to say anymore, but i'll probably have a bunch more journal entries to come because I kind of want to kill myself right now. I want to be destructive. I want to drink alochol until i can't feel anything anymore and i expect you to support me in that. Because right now, not feeling is the only thing that's going to keep me a living person.