Holidays

Holidays are supposed to be spent with family and the people you love. Well what if the person that you love is fucking the girl that once said that she loved you... the therapist said nothing about that.

My therapist said that i was going through an emotional divorce if you would. I believed that you'd love me forever and I took that to heart. In fact I asked you and pleaded with you to love me forever and each time you told kw you would... each time you swore and you kissed my head through my irrational tears. I guess it wasnt so irrational now... because you were planning on leaving me from the beginning.

Just fuck my best friend. Just leave me drunk and passed out. My rabbit almost died. And now I'm here... alone... taking care of everything you promised I wouldnt have to do alone again.

A lonely thanksgiving pretending to be happy because thats what I'm supposed to do. And maybe if I lie and be who I'm supposed to be, this emotional inside will just die off. And I can be in a relationship with the millions of people interested in me... not because of love but because of what they can give to me... that you never could.

They spend money on me to spend money on me... and they are there for me emotionally because they want to be.... they don't pretend they love me while they day dream about my best friend. God you suck.

Have a happy thanksgiving. Looking at all the people you lied to. All the people that hate me because of your stories. When honestly,  you just got tired of me, and found that someone who's dumb as a brick and will open her legs to literally anyone-- is better than I am.

Have a happy holiday.

Mr Quitter

The thing you don't realize is that you dumped me for my immaturity. Well that's not completely true. The thought of being binded down to someone like me scared you. Someone that you can't fix. Even though I told you time and time again, i'm depressed and probably bipolar. And you told me you still loved me and that was a lie. You saw my emotions that i pleaded with you to not hold against me, and you did just that. You considered it a little girl throwing a tantrum, and not a grown up with too much in her past to handle the little blows that you dealt her on a constant.

So you know what you did? You left, for soeone who hasn't been through what I have been through. Because it's easier. Because you can fix her. Because you don't want to work for anything in your life. That's why you're not going anywhere. You blame everything on everyone else, and this time I was the scapegoat and if you ever really loved me, you would have realized this a long time ago.

I loved you more than you loved me from the very beginning of the relationship, but you let it all go. Because you didn't give two fucks about me when i was sad, or when i was happy, and it was ten times easier for you to focus on someone else and give your attention to someone else when it was all that I needed to get better. And now i'm not going to get better. 

I gave you everything I had. and now i'm lost. And it's not just you, it's my life falling to pieces and my grandpa dying, and y mo getting sad again, and every lie she's ever told me erupting inside my heart, and her leaving my dad and the fact that I need you to support me and you're too busy getting your dick sucked by some ginger cunt that only ever wanted to hurt me. And as soon as you realize it, it's going to be too late. Because i'm dying. And nobody sees to get that.

Even if my physical self gets through this, my emotional self isn't. And i'm going to be so broken and nobody, especially you Mr.  Quitter because it's too difficult, is going to be able to fix it. 

I can't do this.

I wish I knew that you read anything I wrote. I wish that I knew that you thought about me. Truth is you don't. Because you're fucking the girl you swore to me nothing was happening with and you don't give a shit about any of my emotions about the topic.

I keep writing this and then stopping because I'm sobbing too hard to keep going but I'm trying to get through this.

This is goodbye. Because even if my physical body gets through this, that girl you pretended to love will be gone forever. That girl she pretended to love will be gone forever. I don't know if my physical self will get through this. I don't know that it means enough for me to attempt trying.

Truth is, you were my final straw. I think you knew that coming in that I wasn't going to ever let someone else in. You were me taking that jump that I so greatly feared. You were the one I gave everything that I had managed to muster up after the amount of pain I've been through.

And what did you do with it? You cheated on me. Emotionally. Physically.  You left me and had sex with her when I was suicidal and possibly pregnant. I was so lost. And every moment I felt like you put her before me and you told me a million times that you never would... because you loved me...

That was all a lie. You never loved me. You used me to get to my friend. You used my parents hospitality and their money and gifts and you gave them a broken daughter in return.

You swore to me you wouldn't leave me. From early on till a month before ota. But your word means nothing. You say what you think someone wants to hear because you're a selfish bastard who gets off on using people.

I hope I don't get through this. So that maybe my death will do one thing for you.

I'm dying.

And I hope you're happy with yourself.