My friend told me the other day that whenever I'm upset, that I should write. This guy's known me since I was fourteen, been there when I found myself, and then was there when I found myself again, as well as the umpteenth times I've re-invented myself. I guess that's why I'm writing... to see if it really does make you feel any better... Well, you wouldn't be the correct subject to put in that sentences... I guess... To see if writing makes me feel any better.
It takes a lot to admit that you're not perfect. We say it a million times. We say we're snowflakes, and that we're unique. But are we really? I like to think that I'm different, but i back stabbed my duckling just like everyone else did. I feel like crap about myself, but around her my sanity was dwindling, and dealing with the things that she was saying, was making me exponentially more upset.
I'm trying to cope; truly I am. I went to the dentist and got two stitches put in my gums. That kind of hurt. One of the stitches got ripped out during dinner and that hurt too. The dentist almost gave me the good pain meds (which i already have anyways) because he said they were going to hurt a lot. If only he knew the two root canals in my mouth hurt tenfold more then what any mini surgery I had previously this week.
I want to work on cosplay but yet again, I'm waiting for something to dry. I feel like i'm going to wake up at 4am and not be able to fall asleep and just end up down there, sanding away. That sounds like something I would do. I mean, I bake cupcakes and cookies at four o'clock in the morning so why wouldn't I work on finishing up some wooden guns?
I guess I'm too involved in cosplay because the signifigant other seems to be progressively getting more mad at me for it. I don't know, cosplay is some escape... Some escape that i stabbed my duckling in the back, and i'm only getting four hours a week at work, and i'm failing french steadily. I really am hoping to come home tomorrow and magically my staff head will be done, as well as the little pieces that I can't cut in my guns. Maybe even some of their sanding.
Doubt that one though. Wish I had a cuddle partner for the night. Don't know what kind of else nonsense to write. Just kinda... blabbering on about how pathetic I feel sometimes. :}
Happy... Whatever.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Middle of the night posting
It's 5:30am. Why am I awake? There's too many things going through my mind... mainly cosplay this... cosplay that. I don't really know what I'm thinking about though. My friend told me, that i've been getting so sad lately because I've stopped writing... so I guess this is my attempt to start, since he knows me better than most people I hang out with now.
I don't know why I'm sad... I'm not really sad... kind of indifferent. Things that used to make me cry don't make me cry anymore. I get upset, and i know I'm upset but i show visibly no emotion besides holding onto someone as a type of security blanket keeping me in this world. Did that make sense? I don't know... It's 5:30am.
I guess i'm going to start by writing a little mini letter to a girl that is almost having the same problems as I once had.
You see, six months ago... I was really lost. It wasn't that I flirted with people, just that they took my actions as flirting and I rarely corrected them. It was easier for me to pretend that I didn't exist. It felt like... they weren't permanent, so why should i fix these connections? It took me a while to realize that these semi-permanent friends took me in when I had no-one else without knowing me. Be-friended me and listened to me when there was no one there. And even though they hardly knew my name, they hugged me and held me while I cried.
These people are awesome, because when I did begin to finally find myself and who I think-- because i'm 20 and we change our minds a million times-- i want to be-- and then accept that person.
But now they're not accepting her.
I know her as someone nobody else knows her as. I remember when she had to give a big presentation for the first time in my class. I remember when she passed out in my English class, when I hardly knew her name. I remember my professor telling me to get back to what i was working on, but i couldn't stop touching her, like maybe if i held onto her, she wouldn't further slip away. I remember being so scared that something was seriously wrong.
I know her as the girl who didn't tell me she was too hungry and was going to pass out, and passed out in the basement of a convention with 32,000 people at it. I remember how fast I was running up and down every aisle praying for some solution to the problem. I remember, holding her belongings in full cosplay as my friend carried her up flights of stairs.
She said something the other day... She said she was like a little duck that everyone needed to take care of.
This isn't far from the truth. Every once and a while, we all become that little duck. We all become that person who can hardly live our lives as they spiral out of control. We all need to hold onto someone, if only for comfort, and sometimes we slip and fall and make mistakes and but our burdens on someone else. But that never changes who we are inside.
You see, through all my changes, through all the situations that brought me to the self awareness that I am at now, I still protect my friends with everything inside of me. I still fight for them. I still try my hardest to show up at their houses in the middle of the night if there's even a hint of them needing me. I'm still sympathetic to depression and suicide, and i'm still the girl who's talked so many people away from an invisible ledge. That's something to be proud of.
I don't stand high enough at the center of the friend circle to be able to sway opinions of my little lost duckling, however, I ask you this. Remember that time that you stumbled and fell, remember that person that you put a little too much weight on. Apologize to that person, and then remember that everyone has those people, and it's not a bad thing necessarily but the worst thing you can do, is to kick these people while they're already down.
I can't imagine what life would be like without all of the people that I have in it. And if I can do anything about it, I will give every thing that I have in life, including my own bodily essence to save practically anyone else. That's who I am. Now let's figure out who you are.
Going in a complete opposite direction... It's sad to watch the ways that some of the people have gone down after high school. I used to think that these people had so much potential, and now it's wasted in things like drugs and alcohol and all i want to say to them is "not cool."
I don't know whatever made it cool, parsay. I'm at least starting to get tired now by getting all of this off my chest.
My cosplay blog is mightily failing. It's sad. I want a cosplay group. Is it especially weird that I want some one that I can pose with specifically? Either that or to be singled out like Yuna normally is... I don't know. As of right now I have the entire trio from X-2, but how long will that last before we're all torn to pieces by lifes uncertainty.
I hate dissection. I have to dissect every tuesday since last week, for three weeks after that. It takes a lot out of me. It's hard to do something that you think is morally wrong. I try to think that it was never a living being, so that seems to make things easier. I think of it as some plastic mold thing that someone made because they were bored in their basements. I don't really care about grammar anymore.
It's approaching 5:48 AM.
I'm starting to fall for a boy. Like truly fall for him. Sometimes he goes quiet though and it makes me feel like something I did was wrong... but he touches me constantly and I like that because like i said above, it makes me feel like i'm cemented to this world by something and I'm not going to fly away like a red balloon.
I hate french class too. Wow this is just one giant VENT. I'm so obnoxious and tired but not wanting to sleep. It's 5:50. I am getting to the point where I type really fast, even though I don't have an aim for my sentences. French is just exhausting. I think i failed another test. Mom's going to be getting me a tutor. I hope it's someone who's understanding and can just help me fake to learn french for just another like two months so that I can do this.
I want to work out. I want to have another job so that I can afford to buy my significant other things. Mainly costumes. Does that sound gay? I want more money. I'm getting PRK in June. I'm scared that he's not going to be able to be there enough, but i know that he'd be there enough to make sure that someone is constantly there. So i'm not constantly relying on my parents. How many times did I just say the word constantly in one sentence?
It's 5:52 AM.
Four minutes and I wrote 3 paragraphs.
I want to write stories again but I don't really have the time.
My goal for my year off is to get published... In something... anything... Anything paper though. It has to be on paper like in the paper, or in a book, or anywhere that's not just on my personal blog.
Someone try to hold me to that. I won't have the time to make excuses.
Someone get a gym membership with me, so i have a reason to actually go.
I don't have the money to go.
It's 5:54 AM, my bed is cold because my windows open and at the end of the day I'm going to end up going to get the dog that we're babysitting downstairs, and pull her up stairs and cuddle with her because I'm lonely, and i'm sad again, for absolutely no reason, like I had said above.
I wasted 30 minutes of my life on writing. It's sad that that's what I really want to do with my life and I just said that. I need to make more cosplay posts... hmmm...
And a todo list:
Todo: Trick more people into cosplaying with me
Trick more people into giving me food
Trick someone into becoming my gym partner
Trick someone else into being my cardio partner (Aka, running--- ew)
Trick another person into becoming my photographer...
Well, not really tricking. I accept volunteers.
I don't know why I'm sad... I'm not really sad... kind of indifferent. Things that used to make me cry don't make me cry anymore. I get upset, and i know I'm upset but i show visibly no emotion besides holding onto someone as a type of security blanket keeping me in this world. Did that make sense? I don't know... It's 5:30am.
I guess i'm going to start by writing a little mini letter to a girl that is almost having the same problems as I once had.
You see, six months ago... I was really lost. It wasn't that I flirted with people, just that they took my actions as flirting and I rarely corrected them. It was easier for me to pretend that I didn't exist. It felt like... they weren't permanent, so why should i fix these connections? It took me a while to realize that these semi-permanent friends took me in when I had no-one else without knowing me. Be-friended me and listened to me when there was no one there. And even though they hardly knew my name, they hugged me and held me while I cried.
These people are awesome, because when I did begin to finally find myself and who I think-- because i'm 20 and we change our minds a million times-- i want to be-- and then accept that person.
But now they're not accepting her.
I know her as someone nobody else knows her as. I remember when she had to give a big presentation for the first time in my class. I remember when she passed out in my English class, when I hardly knew her name. I remember my professor telling me to get back to what i was working on, but i couldn't stop touching her, like maybe if i held onto her, she wouldn't further slip away. I remember being so scared that something was seriously wrong.
I know her as the girl who didn't tell me she was too hungry and was going to pass out, and passed out in the basement of a convention with 32,000 people at it. I remember how fast I was running up and down every aisle praying for some solution to the problem. I remember, holding her belongings in full cosplay as my friend carried her up flights of stairs.
She said something the other day... She said she was like a little duck that everyone needed to take care of.
This isn't far from the truth. Every once and a while, we all become that little duck. We all become that person who can hardly live our lives as they spiral out of control. We all need to hold onto someone, if only for comfort, and sometimes we slip and fall and make mistakes and but our burdens on someone else. But that never changes who we are inside.
You see, through all my changes, through all the situations that brought me to the self awareness that I am at now, I still protect my friends with everything inside of me. I still fight for them. I still try my hardest to show up at their houses in the middle of the night if there's even a hint of them needing me. I'm still sympathetic to depression and suicide, and i'm still the girl who's talked so many people away from an invisible ledge. That's something to be proud of.
I don't stand high enough at the center of the friend circle to be able to sway opinions of my little lost duckling, however, I ask you this. Remember that time that you stumbled and fell, remember that person that you put a little too much weight on. Apologize to that person, and then remember that everyone has those people, and it's not a bad thing necessarily but the worst thing you can do, is to kick these people while they're already down.
I can't imagine what life would be like without all of the people that I have in it. And if I can do anything about it, I will give every thing that I have in life, including my own bodily essence to save practically anyone else. That's who I am. Now let's figure out who you are.
Going in a complete opposite direction... It's sad to watch the ways that some of the people have gone down after high school. I used to think that these people had so much potential, and now it's wasted in things like drugs and alcohol and all i want to say to them is "not cool."
I don't know whatever made it cool, parsay. I'm at least starting to get tired now by getting all of this off my chest.
My cosplay blog is mightily failing. It's sad. I want a cosplay group. Is it especially weird that I want some one that I can pose with specifically? Either that or to be singled out like Yuna normally is... I don't know. As of right now I have the entire trio from X-2, but how long will that last before we're all torn to pieces by lifes uncertainty.
I hate dissection. I have to dissect every tuesday since last week, for three weeks after that. It takes a lot out of me. It's hard to do something that you think is morally wrong. I try to think that it was never a living being, so that seems to make things easier. I think of it as some plastic mold thing that someone made because they were bored in their basements. I don't really care about grammar anymore.
It's approaching 5:48 AM.
I'm starting to fall for a boy. Like truly fall for him. Sometimes he goes quiet though and it makes me feel like something I did was wrong... but he touches me constantly and I like that because like i said above, it makes me feel like i'm cemented to this world by something and I'm not going to fly away like a red balloon.
I hate french class too. Wow this is just one giant VENT. I'm so obnoxious and tired but not wanting to sleep. It's 5:50. I am getting to the point where I type really fast, even though I don't have an aim for my sentences. French is just exhausting. I think i failed another test. Mom's going to be getting me a tutor. I hope it's someone who's understanding and can just help me fake to learn french for just another like two months so that I can do this.
I want to work out. I want to have another job so that I can afford to buy my significant other things. Mainly costumes. Does that sound gay? I want more money. I'm getting PRK in June. I'm scared that he's not going to be able to be there enough, but i know that he'd be there enough to make sure that someone is constantly there. So i'm not constantly relying on my parents. How many times did I just say the word constantly in one sentence?
It's 5:52 AM.
Four minutes and I wrote 3 paragraphs.
I want to write stories again but I don't really have the time.
My goal for my year off is to get published... In something... anything... Anything paper though. It has to be on paper like in the paper, or in a book, or anywhere that's not just on my personal blog.
Someone try to hold me to that. I won't have the time to make excuses.
Someone get a gym membership with me, so i have a reason to actually go.
I don't have the money to go.
It's 5:54 AM, my bed is cold because my windows open and at the end of the day I'm going to end up going to get the dog that we're babysitting downstairs, and pull her up stairs and cuddle with her because I'm lonely, and i'm sad again, for absolutely no reason, like I had said above.
I wasted 30 minutes of my life on writing. It's sad that that's what I really want to do with my life and I just said that. I need to make more cosplay posts... hmmm...
And a todo list:
Todo: Trick more people into cosplaying with me
Trick more people into giving me food
Trick someone into becoming my gym partner
Trick someone else into being my cardio partner (Aka, running--- ew)
Trick another person into becoming my photographer...
Well, not really tricking. I accept volunteers.
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