Hungerrr

Wanna know the most depressing thing ever? I'm actually getting fat and I don't know what to do about it.

Here's the thing. Currently, I am so tired, that my body is feeling pain for me to go to sleep. I get shin splints when I need sleep, and i'm getting those to the point that I can't sleep. I don't think my sleeping has been too horrible. Last night I think I got six hours, before my alarm clock mis-informed about everything-- woke me up.

Could someone record the first episode of SVU of this season for me and send it to me at e-mail address acronymsoup66@hotmail.com? My DVR deleted it. Fuck you DVR.

Damn mis-informed alarm clocks. I would like to exercise. Exercising takes effort though. Maybe I should get myself a trainer so that I have appointments that I can't break... because... i keep breaking all appointments I make with friends. Well I don't even end up making appointments. I just say, you and me need to work out this day, this day, this day, and on that day I don't mention working out and nobody brings it up.

It's almost a good system, if you don't account for the fact I'm still not working out, and I'm still getting larger.

Everything makes me miserable. Today, I was thinking I'm hungry. I think about McDonalds, and then i think about the grease that McDonalds entails. So then I thought about Taco bell, because their stuff isn't fried ergo no grease, but then I thought-- well they don't have coke products... and coke is well-- the only thing that makes me happy and presentable to public people.

After these unhealthy thoughts, I thought well-- I should go to Matt's work and eat something healthy to help with this working out thing that isn't happening. But I didn't want to drive that far by myself, and at this point I was mega by myself. So here's this healthy food, which should make me happier, and I can't get to it because I'm alone.

So then I thought about the mango tea at Ruby Tuesdays. Which is-- also far away-- and five dollars for a drink-- should only be spent on a smoothie. Maybe. Not even on most occasions.

So I'm by myself, and driving, and thinking about all these things in a span of like-- well five minutes. That can't be healthy, huh?

So then I thought maybe subway would be healthy, so i go to stop at subway, and think about how my dad should be home around 3 or 4 o'clock, and then I wouldn't have to eat alone, so i called him and he said he'd try to get home closer to three, because he is indeed hungry too.

And now I want five guys.

And I'm still hungry.

It's this damn song...

Little Lion Man...

"but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
i really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?"

That lyric is almost striking to me. Why? I've been way too incredibly mean lately. 

Here's the truth: Over this past year, i've been bruised and broken too many times.

It's hard for me to straighten out what i'm feeling and what i'm just "reacting" to as my french teacher calls it. People call me out on this, mainly the person I care about. I just want you guys to know that I'm trying, trying my hardest.

I drink more coke then the owner of the coca-cola website.

Lately it's been a lot of impulses. I know i should be studying for any of the many tests/finals i have next week, and even though i spent pretty much the whole night with good friends of mine, I just... feel completely alone. I realize that i'm becoming dependent on that significant other that I was talking about before. Somehow, i trust him to know when i'm just reacting to life, and what i'm feeling. 

So without him... I just feel like a jumbled mass of emotions. I don't know if that makes sense. He's one of the first people I let in... and I keep fucking up... And I keep tucking myself further and further inside.

So here's the true point of this blog article. This guy-- means the world to me-- and he truly is a good guy I think. But what I need for you the reader, is just a little more time to get off my bruised tush.

I keep falling back down on it. Whether this be caused because of things that are or are not under others control. I want to get back to that point where I can hold you guys up... I want to get strong like that... But getting knocked down is a part of it...

I just wish we'd all grow up a little bit. 

i don't know if any of this makes sense. I'm hurting. I'm crying while writing this, and i'm probably just going to get trolled because some of my english was wrong, or i'm too mopey, or sad, or I need to just stop writing all together.

weep for yourself, my man, 
you'll never be what is in your heart
weep little lion man, 
you're not as brave as you were at the start
rate yourself and rape/RAKE yourself, 
take all the courage you have left
wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head
I just wish we'd all grow up a little bit. I need to start talking more. Because every time that I start talking about my own emotions, I freeze up, and then I just end up not saying anything. But it's hard to do that... when you don't know who you can trust, or when the one person you know you can trust unconditionally happens to go to sleep early...

That wasn't meant to sound crazy. I guess I am just a psychotic bitch. I'll stop fucking up now-- right after report cards come out. Sorry mom that I once again failed you.

I don't know what to call this mess

I somewhat wish that my blog wasn't on public so that I didn't have to show anybody my feelings. It seems like right now i suck them inside and just kind of smother them in coal until they go away. This could be distaste for someone, or a love for someone, or just anything all in general gets tucked into the bottom of my bowels and stays there for all eternity.

People are saying that I look unhealthy, but only if they knew how i'm actually feeling.

My french teacher keeps bashing on our English skills and I keep wanting to tell her exactly as the meaning of this blog. It doesn't matter what verbs are used, nor how great the grammar is. However, the words and the meaning of the words are what matters. Who cares if i said i have went to go see my cat vs. i went to see my cat. I certainly don't. You understood the meaning of that passage.

So please, Miss french teacher, stop grading three questions on my test and then giving me an F, when the back was my strong point. At least on the back I didn't have to do the cat questions. I'm in my school lounge as normal right now, and the people around me remind me of highschoolers. Most people remind me that I feel like i'm in high school.

I don't understand drama. I don't understand hating someone because of pure misconceptions. I don't understand why more people are not like that.

I hate the dirty looks i get, and i hate how much i don't care. I hate being cursed out by little sickly looking girls, and I hate how much everyone but me cares.

The kid next to me is sad about love, and i wish i could be. But truth is, the dumb highschoolers have blinded me towards any emotions that i might conceive. Words are shit. Words hurt. People hurt. Why should we talk to them? Wow, that just sounded like a schizophrenic psychopath. I'm surprised i spelled both of those words right.

I do hate my french class though. Seriously. How can you try so hard at something and still fail? It makes me not want to try you know... not want to try at all. I think this is why at the beginning of the semester that I didn't care so much about it. I knew i would fail if i tried. i knew that no tudor in the world could save me. I knew that the teacher would only grade three of my sentences, and I knew that life would get so much worse.

much worse.

Correct english there. We just learned about that in french class too. It doesn't become much worse, it becomes plur or something. Some little name that starts with a P.

Speaking of plur, why can't anybody use it? :/ Peace, love, understanding, respect.