I feel like...

So recently i haven't been sleeping, and I  haven't really been taking my sleeping pills either, so I guess that's not helping, but I just kind of feel like I should be able to sleep without them and I'm not and I kind of just want to be held, while I cry, and someone strokes my hair and tells me everything will be all right. I think my mind is... broken.
I was diagnosed bipolar over a year ago, but I've known for a really long time. Symptoms of bipolar include

Depression:

• Depressed mood and low self-esteem

• Excessive crying spells

• Low energy levels and an apathetic view of life

• Sadness, loneliness, helplessness, feelings of guilt

• Slow speech, fatigue, and poor coordination and concentration

• Insomnia or oversleeping

• Thoughts of suicide or dying

• Changes in appetite (overeating/not eating)

• Unexplainable body aches and pains

• Lack of interest or pleasure in usual activitie

And Mania:

• Euphoria or irritability

• Excessive talking; racing thoughts

• Inflated self-esteem

• Unusual energy; less need for sleep

• Impulsiveness, a reckless pursuit of gratification -- shopping sprees, impetuous travel, more and sometimes promiscuous sex, high-risk business investments, fast driving

• Hallucinations and or delusions (psychotic features such as these may be involved in about one out of every two of cases of bipolar mania)

I think the only thing I haven't had are delusions, so I guess i have that going for me. I don't know, but you know that Mania that I talked about right now, and that excessive talking and feeling, well I'm feeling it now. 

I don't know how to make it stop and that kind of scares me and I don't know anything. And I just want to cry and sleep. and cry some more.

Groups

Groups of girls seem to be... groups of drama filled-- girls. I don't really know how to say that any differently. I don't even know why I'm writing this, i think that it's just something that has been on my brain a lot recently.

Recently, I had a group of girls-- cosplaying girls-- of course-- and they all fell apart. I'm not going to write this as an I'm sorry, and i'm not going to write this as a-- rant about even the drama surrounding the events, because the truth is that it's-- incredibly drama filled-- and not really important to anyone else.

What i'm asking from them is this--

If you can-- find it in your heart to just-- suck it up-- for the love of cosplay-- I will shoot with you and i'll forget everything said for that one day, and we can shoot with amazing photographers, and we can make amazing things, if you can just-- stop.

I don't think many people get this opportunity, and that's why i'm posting it as something public-- Micah-- the-- bitch, dictator, says that if you can just suck it up for one day-- then she can too.

The end.

Writing

When I was younger, I wanted to be a writer. For the longest time before that I wanted to be a Vet. Now I don't even know what I want to be. I think that if people my age were to know exactly where they were planning on going, then they would be abnormal. Life is getting steadily complicated. I really don't know what to write so, i'm just going to write whatever comes to my head.

When I was younger, I wrote stories. And not only did I write them, but it was also almost like I lived them. I learned how to dance so that I could write about dancing. I learned how to kiss so that I could write about kissing. Every person, or situation became a new experiment. I would talk out situations in my head, and I'd stare in the mirror almost having a fight with myself, just so that I could convey the emotion in the writing.

It may sound really bizarre now, but back then it just made sense. My family thought that they were doing me good, but it just caused me to stop. They told me I couldn't be a writer if I can't spell, or my grammar's not perfect, or the commas are in the wrong place, or if I wrote one too many run on sentences. I had so many stories started, but I couldn't continue them. 

Eventually, my hard drive crashed... and my stories all went down with me. I couldn't continue any of those stories of first kisses, because I wasn't on my first kiss anymore, and explaining everything over again just didn't seem worth while. 

I'm beginning to spite my mother... And that kind of scares me... I don't know if I'm spiting her... or if I'm spiting anyone who tries to get inside. You see recently, I was hurt so bad that my heart physically doesn't feel like it can take anymore. I want someone to sit down with, someone who won't tell me I'm crazy... but every  time I sit down in person and try to talk about it-- I can't talk through the wave of tears-- and then I just look crazy.

I know that the name for the "...: is an ellipsis but what's the name to the "--". I don't know. I don't know that I've ever learned it... This writing is turning into me thinking in circles. The truth is whenever I see someone else writing, I want to write, and I started writing because the girl on the television had a writing problem and now I feel like I have a writing problem because I can't stop speaking... 

I don't know that this made any sense.